Nice vs Kind

Although they may seem similar, there is a massive difference between being nice versus being kind and compassionate. 

Being nice doesn’t come from authenticity. At its core it's a manipulation tactic. It’s a bait and switch. Many times the person doesn’t even realize they’re doing it. In their mind they think they’re being a good person.

How many of you, especially the women reading this, have seen or experienced the nice guy or sometimes nice girl? That person that’s always going above and beyond for you or even other people. The person is always getting gifts, paying for things, or even doing tasks for you, but they see it as a transaction. They always want something in return.

They want you to do things for them, or your attention, or even your affection. That nice guy/girl that’s always going out of their way to cater to someone because they have feelings for someone, but when that other person starts dating someone else they become a completely different person. They’re mean and spiteful, vindictive even.

How many of you have seen those posts online, or have even experienced that guy who pays for the date, but you’re not feeling the connection, get the ick, or want to take things slow, but they want more? Accounts of “I paid for dinner but she wouldn’t put out,” beyond measure. All that niceness they were putting out wasn’t because they were nice, it was because they wanted something in return, and when they didn’t get it, at best they cut off all communication, but many times they flipped out.

Then there’s another type of nice guy/girl. The one who does all these things above, but instead of blowing up and pulling a massive 180, they hold it over your head. The “Well, I did this and this for you…,” person. The person that tries to guilt trip you or even shame you for not doing what they want. Something like, “What? You can’t watch my dogs next week while I’m on vacation? But I gave you those rides to work while your car was in the shop two weeks ago. I can’t believe you’d leave me hanging like this after I helped you out! You owe me!”

Both of these examples have something in common. The other person on the receiving end is blindsided. It leaves them feeling like the rug has been pulled out from under them. That anger or guilt tripping is disorienting because that person didn’t ask for the nice guy/girl to do these things. The victim in these scenarios more often than not thought that the nice guy/girl did all these things because that’s just who they are. But when the mask comes off and you see the true intentions it can be shocking and downright scary at times.

This stems from childhood. Being nice is what got their needs met when they were a child. Those needs can range from feeling safe to attention, approval or even affection from caregivers. It was a survival tool they learned. This tool carried on into adulthood, and they continue to use it because it worked as a child, but then they get angry when this tactic doesn’t always work as an adult. Being that “nice” person means doing things you really don’t want to do, but you do them with the unspoken expectation of getting something out of it. You’re doing something you don’t want to do when authentically you’d rather say “no.”

Now on the other side of this is the person that does things because they’re kind. These people are authentic. There are no hidden strings attached. If there are strings, they communicate that upfront so there’s no confusion. More often than not these people are doing things because it comes from a place of empathy. They may have been in a similar situation you’re in and want to help out, or at least have an understanding of what you’re going through. They don’t ask for anything in return or maybe just ask you to pay it forward someday when you’re able. There’s empathy there. There’s boundaries they’re not afraid to uphold and these people aren’t afraid to say “no,” because they’re not afraid to.

You know when you help an older lady carry her bags to the car or cross the street. That time you feel the urge to give some money to that homeless family. When you recognize that one server is doing their best, but struggling that day so you tip more than you normally would. When you help a friend move because it’s a big task, you know what a pain it is, and have the day off.

Nice is a façade. It's inauthentic. Kind is authentic. Don’t be nice. Be kind instead. Thank you for reading, and once again, I hope you have an enlightening day.