Passing Down the Trauma

Having a close and loving family is wonderful and for those who have that in their life are truly blessed. But there is no perfect family. Even the best families slip up or still have their own trauma they’re dealing with and healing from themselves. 

Family is the heart of most of our childhood trauma. Your parents passed down coping mechanisms and traumas that were passed down from their parents. Many of us pass down those things to the next generation and never realize it. It’s as children that we’re exposed to abuse, abandonment, parentification, manipulation and other traumas for the first time.

For example, if a girl grows up in a home where her mother removed affection from a family member and gave cold shoulders and silent treatment to who she was upset at, that girl is likely to grow up and do the same to her husband and children when she’s older and has her own family.

Another example is a boy whose father beat them and their mother when he was angry. That little boy can potentially carry on that trait with their own family when they grow up. 

In both of these cases, the coping strategy is normalized to those children. They’re coping mechanisms that those children take on and use. The girl continues to remove affection and attention from those who upset or displease her instead of trying to have open communication about the issue. The boy resorts to reactionary violence as he grows up to get what he wants and/or vent his frustrations out instead of processing why he’s angry and better ways to respond to that anger.

Another example we can look at is the helicopter parent. Always watching over their child and stopping them before they try anything deemed too risky. While sometimes this is necessary, like a toddler trying to poke a fork into an electrical socket, when taken to the extreme this can be debilitating. When you don’t let your children try new things or test themselves, it doesn’t allow for a growth of confidence, which grows from succeeding as well as failing. And when you’re not confident in yourself, the world is a scary place. And when that child has no confidence in their own abilities and sees the world as a terrifying place, what happens when they have children of their own? You guessed it! They become helicopter parents as well.

How many of you reading this grew up or know someone who would try to do things to elevate themself and their life, but their caretakers would belittle those efforts? That person might want to get a higher education, but because no one else in the family line had done so yet didn’t think that person could? Any time they voiced an aspiration they were told they weren’t good enough? Or were told doing so meant they were abandoning the family because they might have to move away instead of helping the family. Maybe they were told they were forsaking their roots instead of working on the family farm or not wanting to continue on the family business. They’re guilt tripped into giving up on their own dreams for the dreams of the family, and are likely to do the same to their children.

Or it could be the opposite. The child might want to do something they’re passionate about, but because that passion doesn’t line up with the family values or image, they’re shamed and guilt tripped into going a different direction. How many children of doctors or lawyers were pushed into taking on the same role as their parents instead of being a graphic designer or nature conservationist?

A child might have had supportive parents, but those parents couldn’t handle stresses in life and sought escapism through drugs or alcohol. Because that child was never shown healthy ways to handle stress as children they grow into adults who also seek escapism from their problems. It might not be drugs or alcohol, but could be something else like focusing more on gaming or work instead of family life.

It’s important to end as many of these cycles as we can so we don’t pass them down to our children. Become aware of when you exhibit coping mechanisms and patterns that our parents did that were hurtful and detrimental to your development and approach them differently. This is why integrating your own fragmented parts from childhood is so important. It increases your awareness, heals you, and helps you prevent passing these same issues down your family line. Yes, we slip up. No, none of us are going to be perfect. But even the act of working on your own issues in a healthy manner and letting your children see you undertaking that effort can help them work on their own traumas/issues they might have already developed, thus giving them a major advantage in this world.

Heal yourself so you can heal your family line, and do what you can to lessen the trauma your children will go through in this life!